Compromise, compromise, compromise

So, in case you haven’t already figured this out, the process of planning any kind of event involves compromise.  However, planning a Bar or Bat Mitzvah involves compromise on a whole new level.  And, add a soon to be teenage girl into the mix coupled with media influences (ever see My Super Sweet Sixteen?) and watch out.

Personally, we were adamant about not losing sight of the  importance of this milestone.  The amount of study and preparation that goes into becoming a Bat Mitzvah is significant.  There’s the requisite Torah portion (chanted in Hebrew without vowels), the Haftorah (in Hebrew), the D’var Torah (meaningful explanation of Torah portion written by the Bat Mitzvah), multiple blessings and more.  Weekly tutoring, while absolutely necessary, became an event to loathe for our lovely pre-teen.  It was, in her mind, a big inconvenience.  My constant nagging didn’t help but I adopted the mantra that went something like this, “no study, no party.”  Harsh?  Absolutely.  While we tend to focus more on the party planning and all the fabulous details, in our minds it was a 50/50 proposition — part study, part celebration.  Compromise all the way.

Now, don’t get me wrong.  We were just as excited for the party as our daughter.  We did, however, have different priorities and expectations.  So, if you’re just starting out, my advice is to discuss everyone’s wishes and expectations before you get in too deep.  It will minimize the conflicts during the months of planning.  Assuming by now  you’ve chosen a date for your simcha, the question now becomes, “what time of day and what type of party do we want?”

Typically, daytime events are less costly than evening affairs.  Sundays, more reasonable than Saturdays.  Just kids vs. let’s invite everyone we know, will be more cost effective.  So, maybe the first question should be,  “how much are we willing and able to spend?”  That will, in turn, dictate the time of day and type of party you ultimately throw.

Here are a number of things to discuss as a family ahead of time that will help the planning process go smoothly, minimize the feuds and allow for healthy compromise.

1. What is our budget?
2. How big is the potential guest list?  This is critical when choosing a venue.
3. Will we have a kids only party or include adults as well?
4. Shall we choose a theme?  Identify your son/daughter’s interests to help narrow your thinking.
5. What about entertainment?  Dancing?  Tattoos?  Photo booth?
6. Is this a formal affair?  Casual? How does your young adult want to dress for the party?
7. Don’t forget decor.  This goes hand in hand with your theme.  How elaborate?  Is it do-it-yourself?  Hired professionals?
8. What colors will you use?  Do boys care?  Will you have to rent linens?  Does venue provide?
9. Food – are there dietary restrictions (kashrut?), separate kids meals, sit down or buffet?  Most answers will tie back to budget.
10. What traditions will be incorporated into the party? Challah/Hamotzi?  Candle lighting?  Hora?
11. Did I mention budget?  Even if you haven’t set aside a “pot of money” for this, decide upfront what you are comfortable spending and stick to it as closely as possible.

Now, I know I sound like the picture of democracy here.  Truth be told, there were many decisions that we made without benefit of family discussion.  You have to pick and choose your battles and decide what’s important to each party and what’s worth fighting for.  Having watched numerous episodes of My Super Sweet Sixteen and Bridezilla, our daughter insisted that the chairs in the banquet hall be adorned with seat covers.  Seat covers?  “This is not a wedding,” I indignantly replied.  “But mom,” she whined, “the chairs are ugly.”  Go figure.  This beautiful, style conscious child didn’t care what color table cloths or napkins were used, but had to have the chairs covered.  Needless to say, we said, “no way.”  Chair covers were certainly not in our budget.

Nor were we about to spend $1000 on invitations.  I was certain that I could and should have total creative control over the invitations and that with the proliferation of scrapbooking I could “make” them myself.  My daughter had absolutely no interest in making anything.  She wanted to flip through a book or two, pick out what she wanted and check it off the list.  And she did just that.  After spending 30 minutes looking through 3 invitation books, she was done.  She’d found a design she liked and wanted to go eat lunch.  I, on the other hand, was not convinced that we’d found the one.  Besides, I wasn’t ready to let go of the notion that I could do it myself.  So, I began digging into the available options.  I visited scrap book stores, scrap book websites, numerous invitation websites (multiple times) and paged through more books.  Each time, I would show my darling daughter what I’d come up with.  And each time she would sigh, roll her eyes and choose her favorite and then ask, “what happened to the one I picked yesterday?”  Okay.  I am not a scrapbooker.  Have you ever spent time in a scrapbooking store?  There are way too many options – from paper stock, color, weight, finish, to embellishments to the tools you’ll need to complete a project.  Now this is great if you are a Creative Memories Consultant.  But if you are starting from scratch, you will need to spend $1000 on invitations because you’ll need to buy all the stuff.  Not to mention the fact that the choices were overwhelming.  So, I went back to the invitation websites and once again, polled my daughter.  As it turned out, this was a fantastic option.  The sites I visited, offered to send samples for a nominal fee.  This is really important.  I couldn’t order something as critical as the invitation without seeing it, touching it and living with it for a few days.  The invitation we eventually chose (actually chosen by our daughter, approved by us) set the stage for our party colors.  There is another important step here.  Once you have your sample, go to the post office.  We failed to do this and were very surprised when it came time to buy postage.  While our lovely invitation was not “overweight”, it’s bulk put it into another postage category.  This became an unexpected expense.  Alright, I gave up on trying to create an invitation from scratch.  However, we were able to order the invitations with blank cards and envelopes.  This enabled me to play around with wording, fonts and layouts before printing.  And, it was less expensive than ordering from a book and less expensive than ordering fully printed from the website.

www.invitationbox.com

www.invitationconsultants.com

This was one of our first compromises.  I got to exercise my creativity.  Our daughter got to select the design she loved and we all were able to say yeah or nay to fonts and wording.  Even our younger daughter got into the act when it was time to assemble the pieces and attach the pink, satin ribbon.  All the way around it was a win-win.