If you have out of town guests coming in for your celebration you need to think through how you’ll entertain them (or not) throughout the weekend.  I don’t think you need to go over the top, champagne and caviar, deluxe limo service 24/7 — your guests will appreciate even a little attention and will enjoy having some down time to just chill in their hotel room.

Feeding Frenzy

It’s true, we all love to eat and often the party weekend is just an excuse to go from one meal to another.  Try to keep the fare light, particularly if there are multiple meal gatherings in one day.  Afterall, finding a seamstress to make last minute alterations might be more difficult than you think.  Consider any dietary restrictions your guests may have — vegetarian, kosher, low sodium, etc.  Include a local favorite/specialty in the weekend’s itinerary.  We planned one meal for out of town family that was Detroit’s favorites complete with Sander’s Hot Fudge Brownie Sundaes.

Around Town

If you have a large group coming from out of the area, consider putting together a “goody” bag of sorts with maps, local publications, things to do, snacks, etc.  This way, if they want to wander around without you in between “happenings”, then they will know what’s going on, where to find it and how to get there.  In some cases, the hotel might have shuttle service to a central shopping area for those who don’t want to drive uncharted territory.

We are Family

Remember, for the most part, people came to town because they love you and want to spend time with you.  The activities, meals, mini-events are all icing on the cake.  We had such a good time at breakfast the morning of my daughter’s Bat Mitzvah that we barely had enough time to get ready for the noon party…so, leave yourself enough down time to enjoy each others company and don’t forget to wear a watch.

Since they were on a tight budget, being creative within a theme was key. The planner, however, had other ideas. She told them that it would be cost prohibitive to execute an art theme (reminder: the Bar Mitvah boy’s passion) and what about Pirates of the Caribbean? The planner convinced them that this theme would be current (movie was about to be released into theatres), fun for the kids (who wouldn’t want eye patches) and affordable (how can you argue with that).

So, feeling railroaded, they went with the Planner’s ideas and abandoned their thematic vision. This mistake took the party to a different place and was no longer about the Bar Mitzvah boy and his personality — it was about the planner and her ideas and what she could comfortably execute.

1. Stay true to your vision
2. Check references — look at various parties that the planner was responsible for and find out where the theme ideas came from and if they represented your child
3. Don’t be afraid to say no
4. Trust your instincts — if it doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t

What would you have done differently when planning your recent Mitzvah?

So, hope for the best, plan for the worst and anticipate, organize, mobilize.

Since there are so many mistakes you could conceivably make, this will attempt to outline some of the most common “mitzvah mistakes” and help you avoid at least these during your planning process.

Top Ten Mistakes:

1. Not setting a clear budget upfront. If you can’t commit down to the penny what you’re comfortable spending, then at least have a ballpark in mind. There is a very big difference between $5,000 and $15,000. Your budget should not compromise your current financial situation. If you haven’t planned and saved for this event, it is critical that you determine right now what budget “camp” will allow you to sleep at night.
   Budget pitfalls – open bar when wine and beer will do; failure to comparison shop for venues, photographers, décor providers; last minute dress/suit shopping.  Remember, that $350 Tahari suit might be found on sale if you plan ahead.
2. Taking on too much yourself. Decide what you absolutely need to do in order to save money, keep your sanity and fulfill your must have wish list.  Decide, based on your budget, what you can pay someone else to do or, at the very least, enlist a friend to take on the task. A dear friend decided that she had to have 3 foot round balloons on each table and that she could save a lot of money if she did it herself. Great plan. Except, she didn’t really imagine how labor intensive (not to mention time consuming) it would be to get the helium tanks to the venue, inflate 30 balloons and attach each to the centerpiece weight. This all had to be done prior to the beginning of the party and prior to getting her own hair and make up done. Even with help,  it took valuable time away from getting ready and added stress to a day that should have been filled with joy and anticipation. A good alternative (if hiring a professional is out of the question) might have been to consider another type of centerpiece that didn’t require “game” day preparation.
3. Assuming postage rate on chosen invitations. The US Postal Service has it all figured out. If the envelope is one size, your rate is x. If the envelope is a certain thickness, the rate changes…and so on. Just because your envelope is the size that normally requires a first class postage stamp, don’t assume that’s what your invitation postage will be. Weight, size, and thickness are all factors in the rate. Failure to check this before you order your invitations, could result in a big fat surprise when you show up at the post office with your box of 250 cards. We ordered a sample invitation and it came with postage on it (naturally). So, I assumed that was accurate and did not check it. When I went to buy my postage I discovered that the knot in the ribbon created a thickness that put our lovely invitation into the next price category. This was double what we had anticipated our postage costs to be.

Stayed tuned for more Mitzvah Mistakes.

So, multiply this out by 100 — or better yet a 1000 — and you start to understand the magnitude of planning a Bar/Bat Mitzvah party regardless of  your budget, locale or theme.  A friend who had already been through this process the year prior, recommended the “binder method.”  Basically, empty out an old 3-ring binder or make a trip to your local office supply store and invest in a new binder and a packet or two of tabbed dividers.  For under $10 you’ll feel organized just walking out of the store.  Now, go straight home (or that feeling will quickly dissipate).  You’ll want to label the dividers and begin to keep all of your notes organized in its own section.  Trust me on this.  It seems so simple.  You might ask, “why not just put it all in a file folder?”  First of all, stuff falls out.  Secondly, there is no organization to all the papers, notes and quotes.  Thirdly, OK — you get the point.  Some of the categories that you’ll want to create in your Binder:

• Synagogue
• Venue
• Food
• Entertainment
• Photography
• Giveaways
• Invitations
• Address list/gifts/thank you’s
• Decor
• Budget
• Timetable

I also recommend buying a package of plastic sleeves that can easily slip into the 3-rings.  You can save business cards, brochures, etc by slipping them into the sleeves within the appropriate section.

Another tip that I discovered by chance was to use a small plastic storage bin (bigger than a shoe box, smaller than a trash can) for magazines, invitations, binder, etc.  This way, as your stuff multiplies, you have it somewhat contained and easy to access.

By the way, that party for my ten year old — piece of cake.  We had more games than time, tons of fun prizes and a gorgeous day so they could run around in the yard and get as crazy as they desired.  Oh, one more thing — I let them make goody bags with the leftover Bat Mitzvah candy.

Personally, we were adamant about not losing sight of the  importance of this milestone.  The amount of study and preparation that goes into becoming a Bat Mitzvah is significant.  There’s the requisite Torah portion (chanted in Hebrew without vowels), the Haftorah (in Hebrew), the D’var Torah (meaningful explanation of Torah portion written by the Bat Mitzvah), multiple blessings and more.  Weekly tutoring, while absolutely necessary, became an event to loathe for our lovely pre-teen.  It was, in her mind, a big inconvenience.  My constant nagging didn’t help but I adopted the mantra that went something like this, “no study, no party.”  Harsh?  Absolutely.  While we tend to focus more on the party planning and all the fabulous details, in our minds it was a 50/50 proposition — part study, part celebration.  Compromise all the way.

Now, don’t get me wrong.  We were just as excited for the party as our daughter.  We did, however, have different priorities and expectations.  So, if you’re just starting out, my advice is to discuss everyone’s wishes and expectations before you get in too deep.  It will minimize the conflicts during the months of planning.  Assuming by now  you’ve chosen a date for your simcha, the question now becomes, “what time of day and what type of party do we want?”

Typically, daytime events are less costly than evening affairs.  Sundays, more reasonable than Saturdays.  Just kids vs. let’s invite everyone we know, will be more cost effective.  So, maybe the first question should be,  “how much are we willing and able to spend?”  That will, in turn, dictate the time of day and type of party you ultimately throw.

Here are a number of things to discuss as a family ahead of time that will help the planning process go smoothly, minimize the feuds and allow for healthy compromise.

1. What is our budget?
2. How big is the potential guest list?  This is critical when choosing a venue.
3. Will we have a kids only party or include adults as well?
4. Shall we choose a theme?  Identify your son/daughter’s interests to help narrow your thinking.
5. What about entertainment?  Dancing?  Tattoos?  Photo booth?
6. Is this a formal affair?  Casual? How does your young adult want to dress for the party?
7. Don’t forget decor.  This goes hand in hand with your theme.  How elaborate?  Is it do-it-yourself?  Hired professionals?
8. What colors will you use?  Do boys care?  Will you have to rent linens?  Does venue provide?
9. Food – are there dietary restrictions (kashrut?), separate kids meals, sit down or buffet?  Most answers will tie back to budget.
10. What traditions will be incorporated into the party? Challah/Hamotzi?  Candle lighting?  Hora?
11. Did I mention budget?  Even if you haven’t set aside a “pot of money” for this, decide upfront what you are comfortable spending and stick to it as closely as possible.

Now, I know I sound like the picture of democracy here.  Truth be told, there were many decisions that we made without benefit of family discussion.  You have to pick and choose your battles and decide what’s important to each party and what’s worth fighting for.  Having watched numerous episodes of My Super Sweet Sixteen and Bridezilla, our daughter insisted that the chairs in the banquet hall be adorned with seat covers.  Seat covers?  “This is not a wedding,” I indignantly replied.  “But mom,” she whined, “the chairs are ugly.”  Go figure.  This beautiful, style conscious child didn’t care what color table cloths or napkins were used, but had to have the chairs covered.  Needless to say, we said, “no way.”  Chair covers were certainly not in our budget.

Nor were we about to spend $1000 on invitations.  I was certain that I could and should have total creative control over the invitations and that with the proliferation of scrapbooking I could “make” them myself.  My daughter had absolutely no interest in making anything.  She wanted to flip through a book or two, pick out what she wanted and check it off the list.  And she did just that.  After spending 30 minutes looking through 3 invitation books, she was done.  She’d found a design she liked and wanted to go eat lunch.  I, on the other hand, was not convinced that we’d found the one.  Besides, I wasn’t ready to let go of the notion that I could do it myself.  So, I began digging into the available options.  I visited scrap book stores, scrap book websites, numerous invitation websites (multiple times) and paged through more books.  Each time, I would show my darling daughter what I’d come up with.  And each time she would sigh, roll her eyes and choose her favorite and then ask, “what happened to the one I picked yesterday?”  Okay.  I am not a scrapbooker.  Have you ever spent time in a scrapbooking store?  There are way too many options – from paper stock, color, weight, finish, to embellishments to the tools you’ll need to complete a project.  Now this is great if you are a Creative Memories Consultant.  But if you are starting from scratch, you will need to spend $1000 on invitations because you’ll need to buy all the stuff.  Not to mention the fact that the choices were overwhelming.  So, I went back to the invitation websites and once again, polled my daughter.  As it turned out, this was a fantastic option.  The sites I visited, offered to send samples for a nominal fee.  This is really important.  I couldn’t order something as critical as the invitation without seeing it, touching it and living with it for a few days.  The invitation we eventually chose (actually chosen by our daughter, approved by us) set the stage for our party colors.  There is another important step here.  Once you have your sample, go to the post office.  We failed to do this and were very surprised when it came time to buy postage.  While our lovely invitation was not “overweight”, it’s bulk put it into another postage category.  This became an unexpected expense.  Alright, I gave up on trying to create an invitation from scratch.  However, we were able to order the invitations with blank cards and envelopes.  This enabled me to play around with wording, fonts and layouts before printing.  And, it was less expensive than ordering from a book and less expensive than ordering fully printed from the website.

http://www.invitationbox.com

http://www.invitationconsultants.com

This was one of our first compromises.  I got to exercise my creativity.  Our daughter got to select the design she loved and we all were able to say yeah or nay to fonts and wording.  Even our younger daughter got into the act when it was time to assemble the pieces and attach the pink, satin ribbon.  All the way around it was a win-win.

For those of you just getting started, finding  just the right venue is an important first step.   Budget, location, size and flexibility are all significant considerations.  My daughter fell in love with a particular country club — magnificent view of the golf course, grand ballroom, enormous dance floor, sweeping staircase, fabulous cheesecake — all the right stuff.  However, the club was quite a distance from home, not convenient to any other daily landmarks and not accessible to any of the area freeways (probably a really bad choice if you’re expecting out of town guests).  Our Bat Mitzvah to be was disappointed when we crossed this off our list but understood the whys with little complaint.

Making the right choice

There are so many types of venues to choose from:  hotels, conference and convention centers, sports clubs, night clubs, gaming venues (bowling, whirly ball, etc), recreation centers, country clubs, restaurants, synagogues and more.  There are steps you can take to narrow your search and help make the venue selection fun and appropriate.

10 Steps to selecting a venue:

1. Decide on the type of party you want (dancing, kids, evening)
2. Develop a rough guest list so you have some sense of size/needs
3. Do you want one-stop shopping or will you want to bring in your own caterer?
4. Is proximity to your home important?  Easy access for out of towners?
5. What can you spend per person for food?  Does the food need to be kosher?
6. Get referrals
7. Make site visits
8. See a party in action and preferred venues
9. Is there chemistry between the Catering Director/Venue Party Planner and you/your family?
10. If you find it, book it!

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